Refuse by CLassicNightmare
Lately in class, I feel like I can breathe.
Sounds stupid since you have breathe to be alive, but I can breathe without anyone or anything distracting me. I can focus on breathing and just feel like everything is alright. I feel so free, there's this vibe in the air it's full of freedom, serenity maybe. No one talks to me so, I don't get distracted there might a few "How do you do this question?" or "What did you get on the test?" but never a conversation. I can listen to the lyrics in my song, and find out why the artist wrote them, what it means. I feel so alive. No one disturbs me, I can actually know what I want, without anyone deciding for me, without second thoughts, without fear.
Summer is passing by so quickly, they days I spend with Nina or Sora are indeed fun, but. Nothing eventful, they might become memories but, there's nothing that wants to go inside my memory. Stay there, imprint itself, and make me remember from time to time. I mean, they're aren't boring or anything but I don't feel like I belong, and outsider, out of sync with them. I can't understand them most of the time, and I certainly don't know what they're thinking about, nor what their next step is going to be.
I've been dreaming, or more like fantasizing about "someone", I really don't who this someone is, but I do know what the someone is like. Someone who cares, someone who stays in sync with me, someone to not look after me but everyone else that's close me, someone I can hug wholeheartedly. I don't have anything that's unique in my terms, I don't have any special features, nothing I belong to nothing I want to be. Everyone is walking forward but I stay still. There's nowhere I want to go, nowhere I want to be, I just want to sit there and stare.
Honestly, I'm the worst person to invite to parties. Especially birthday parties. Bear with me here, I just never had the western version of it, or had a "celebration" of the day when I was born. There has always been cakes, candles, fake wishes that never come true, no relatives nor friends at my "parties". It's not really a party, someone buys a cake, we put candles on it, light it up, sing the song, and blow out the candles. That's pretty much it. I never had a birthday with friends, I really don't know why. I had friends, obviously. But I never had friends who were close to me enough to remember my birthday, or ask if I was going to have a party. I really never got gifts either from my parents. My sister started recently giving me gifts for my birthday, but never really things I wanted. I've also never been to a lot of birthday parties, there were some big ones I've been to before but I never really like going to them, because I always thought to myself, "Why can't I have parties like this?", "Why do not seem as happy as these people at their birthdays during mine?".
I'm also terrible at choosing gifts, I can't just don't know what people like. Also another obstacle is the money, my parents won't give me money, to them money is like a forsaken treasure that no one can touch. So if I don't have a present, or a really bad one, I feel bad going to a party with this craptastic gift of mine. I don't want to watch their reaction when they open my gift and expect something better, more thoughtful. All I can do is show up pretty much, and sometimes I don't even want to do that. Maybe that's the reason why I don't have many friends.
Tie my handlebars to the stars so I stay on track,
And if my intentions stray I'll wrench them away,
Then I'll take my leave and I won't even look back.
