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When I think about it. . . on Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Credits: mladec @deviantart

It hurts.

It does, it hurts. I ask myself this same question every single day; "Why is my father not living with us?" I ask my mother countless of times when I was younger and she never came me a full out answer. She always just said; "When your older I'll explain to you." My mom still wears her wedding ring, she still encourages us to send him letters, cards, gifts on his birthday or on Father's Day. But she never told us why our father, her husband was not living with us. She told always told me that he still loves me, and whenever I would tell her that he doesn't love us because he doesn't live with us she would always say; "He's sending money to us, he loves us."

Now that I'm older I'm asking questions about myself; "Am I what I am today because I did not have a manly role model in my life when I was growing up?" Did he do this to me? Did his failure to be in my life not make me turn out to be normal as everyone else? My mother tries to get me to speak to him on the phones once in a while, but I lie. I tell her I'm busy, just to not talk to him.

He's a stranger.

I was so naive as a child, I clearly remember one day when I asked my mom a question that I regret asking her. I looked up to my mom's tired face and said "Does dad have a girlfriend?". Now when I look back on what I asked her, I know that I hurt her. They were married, they don't live together, there must be some sort of conflict or reason to why he wasn't involved with our lives.

I hate him.

My sister has to grow and be my second parent, she had fill in my dad's missing shoes. He makes my mom worried, which makes me think why? Why would you be worried about a man that doesn't live with us, that you haven't saw in over ten years. Why? Its getting worse. My mom and sister have to worry about how little money he's sending us now. They have to remind him, over and over again. My mom has to work now, she gets burns, cuts, pain from her job. She says she enjoys working, but I know she does it because she has to support us now. My dad rarely calls now, and if he does he phone calls aren't very long.

He doesn't even deserve the title as my father.

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